I was scared of losing it all - Living a Disconnected Life
My entire life I have been a people pleaser. I strive to make sure everyone around me is happy. I work 110% to create balance and harmony for everyone else. I love so unconditionally and I give that love to anyone in my life.
So when someone wouldn’t appreciate me, send hatred my way, or chose to not be my friend I would become utterly crushed. I never could understand why someone wouldn’t like me or why someone would say that I was the cause for the pain & hurt in their life.
I am a lover, a giver, and a believer of the best in everyone.
If someone were to hurt me I was always quick to forgive & allow more then just a second chance, because I believe that people can change.
How did this end for me?
It ended in a lot more pain for me. It ended in people learning that they could walk all over me and I would still see the good in them. It ended in me giving ALL of my time, effort and energy to the people around me, leaving nothing left in the tank for myself. It ended in me working hard to help others achieve their dreams and me constantly putting my own dreams on the back burner. It ended in me feeling guilty in saying no to someone, so I would work hard to change my schedule and my plans so I could do whatever someone else asked of me.
I became so worried about how other people saw me or how they may possibly judge me that I did everything in my power to change in hopes that they would like me.
I was living in hopes that someone else would approve of my actions that I forgot to make sure I approved my own actions.
I was surrounded by people who would burst out in anger at the slightest thing and so I tiptoed through my life for years just to not be the person to trigger the anger.
I became so obsessed at living for others that I wasn’t even aware of the red flags popping up in my life.
It came to a point where I was outright told to become somebody I’m not and if I disobeyed it would result in me losing my entire life. Or at least that’s what I told myself.
Looking back now I can see so clearly the path I should’ve taken. But fear, doubt and the belief that I was not worthy pushed me into stepping away from my true self.
You see, that person that I am, the people pleaser who wants to make everyone else around me is happy, this is what I was told to change. But it wasn’t that I should stop pleasing everyone and only please myself. I was told that I was only allowed to please certain people. Those might not be the words used, but that is what I heard.
So, what was I actually told?
I was NOT allowed to have my own opinion. I had to give 100% support even if I didn’t agree. I was not allowed to be sympathetic to anyone else in my life.
It’s surprising that I didn’t just walk away in that moment.
The person I am today I would’ve easily walked away and known that life would go on.
But I was so disconnected that fear, worry and doubt told me I had to agree. For I wouldn’t have a life if I didn’t agree. I no longer had any power over who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live.
Fast forward 4 months of more red flags and verbally & emotionally abusive behaviour and I broke down.
Physically, spiritually and mentally I could not take it anymore.
My life felt like it had ended.
I had become a shell of a person.
At this point in my life there was one person I trusted to hold my heart when I could no longer see the light of the day.
This person showed me that it was all going to be ok. She reminded me that through my fears, worries & doubts life would go on.
She reminded me of my self worth. She reminded me of the love I have within me. She reminded me of the gift I had that I had been giving away at the cost of my mental & physical health.
Most importantly though, she told me I was not alone. She made sure that I knew through whatever choices I made, whatever changes I chose to step into, that I would be supported 100%.
It was this knowing, that I wouldn’t be alone, that I had the power to BREAK FREE.
Taking that first step, walking away and starting over, was the hardest step I have ever had to take.
Since I made the decision to shift forward, start over, and create a new version of myself life has not been easy BUT, it was all worth it.
I am still a people pleaser, but first and foremost I make sure that I am pleasing myself.
I still strive to make sure everyone around me is happy, but it does not come at the cost of my own happiness.
Now I am comfortable with knowing that not everyone will like me and it reminds me that not everyone is meant to be in my life. It reminds me that not everyone deserves my energy. It reminds me that not everyone needs to see my worth as long as I can see my own worth then all will be ok.
It has been almost 2 years since I made the decision to start over. There has been so much learning, healing, releasing and growing involved in the last 2 years and I am thankful for each second of it. I am constantly reminding myself that I am worthy, I have power & strength to get through anything, and I am choosing to become a better version of myself everyday.
So I ask you, are you living for someone else’s dream?
Do you feel like someone else has power over your life?
Is someone trying to tell you who to be?
Has someone caused you pain, hurt, sadness and suffering?
Are you ready to break free?
Have you already broken free, but don’t know what comes next?
Do you need to step away from the fear, worry & doubt that is debilitating you?
Do you feel far away from your dreams?
Do you forget what it feels like to be truly happy?
It’s time to make a change. It’s time to invest in yourself. It’s time to shift forward.
I am here to support you.
I am here to help you heal.
I am here to show you the light within yourself.
I am here to show you how to take back your power.
I am here to help you break away from those fears, worries and doubts.
I can teach you how to find joy and happiness again.
I will show you your self worth.
I will hold space for you as you shift, learn, heal and grow through life. I will teach you the strategies to help you shift forward in life. I will hold your hand and keep you accountable in creating and living the life of your dreams.
It’s time to get started. Let me help you shift forward.
Are you ready?! Because I know I’m ready to help you.
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