Relationships that End in Trauma

5 Phases to Heal, Move On & Say Thank-you

We can experience trauma in many different ways, but there are 3 main distinctions - physical, mental/emotional & spiritual. It’s easiest to recognize physical trauma and this is the kind that is most notably talked about in society. However, the trauma that can be hardest to heal from is mental/emotional trauma & spiritual trauma and this is because it’s hard for others to understand the trauma you may have experienced and it is hard for you to recognize that it was trauma you experienced.

Every relationship in your life is either for a season, a reason or a lifetime. Some relationships end by fizzling out, some end abruptly because of clashing ideas & opinions, and some end due to trauma experienced by one party inflicted by the other party (whether it’s intended or not).

These ideas aren’t just focused on romantic relationships, they include friendships, work relationships, familial relationships, intimate relationships and so much more.

In my experience when a relationship has ended due to trauma you move through 5 different phases of learning, healing and growing. If you are unsure how to shift forward after a relationship has ended due to a traumatic experience then use these phases to help you move on.

1 Initial Cutting of Ties

The first phase can sometimes be the most difficult because it is the catalyst for helping you to begin the forward shift in your life.

Most likely at this point you have struggled to recognize that you are experiencing trauma in this relationship. Maybe you don’t use the word ‘trauma’ to describe the way you feel, but you have come to the realization that life cannot continue in the direction it is currently moving.

This phase includes the initial understanding that the current relationship is not serving you, in actuality it is hurting you, causing more harm than good in your life.

Remember this can be mental trauma, emotional trauma, spiritual trauma or even physical trauma. The definition for trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Anything in your life that has caused you distress or disturbance is considered trauma.

Through this phase it’s important to find someone to support you and help you through the process of leaving & beginning the shift forward in a new direction. Maybe this is a parent, a good friend, a co-worker, a therapist, really whoever it is you know that this person has your back 100% no matter what you decide. This person sees the pain, hurt & suffering you have experienced and is ready to do anything to help you break free.

After connecting with this supportive party the second step of this phase is cutting ties from the traumatic relationship.

You leave.

You tell the other party in this relationship that it’s time for you to go separate ways.

This may be extremely difficult, especially if you have legal ties to the person. But it’s important to cut all ties as best you can and for the ties you cannot fully sever due to legalities you must have a support system to help protect you from any further trauma.

The main idea of this phase is that you have recognized it is time to move on & you are taking appropriate actions to move on.

2 Time to Find Yourself

The second phase is all about opening up to relearn who you are without this relationship. Usually our lives had become completely intwined with this past relationship and that is why it is so difficult to choose to leave & cut ties. So now is the time you must take to relearn who you are, relearn what your desires for life are, relearn how you wish to be treated and relearn who you wish to surround yourself with in life.

YOU CANNOT JUMP INTO THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP TO FILL THIS NEW GAP!

This phase can be scary because you are experiencing a lot of changes in your life and we are completely pushed out of the comfort zone we once new.

In order to be able to grow from this past relationship you need to be willing to do a deep dive emotionally in order to figure out how you wish to move forward in life that best suits you.

If you can I would suggest taking time off from your normal routine of life. Go on a trip, not to distract you, but to allow you time & space to figure out all that you are and all that you dream for your life.

Surround yourself with people that support you in becoming the best version of yourself.

Don’t use social gatherings to distract yourself 24/7 from the hurt & pain of your trauma.

Use different tools & strategies to find yourself & learn all that you can about what brings you joy, what creates peace in your life, what you are passionate about, who brings love into your life, who offers the best support, where do you feel most comfortable & at home, when are you triggered by negative emotions, how do you wish to move forward, and why do you want to grow.

By leaning in to the questions & asking yourself the hard stuff you become connected back to yourself mind, body, spirit and are able to fill your life with the people, places & things that support you and your dreams.

Remember, you should be living this life for you. So allow yourself to lean on the support that is being offered & find a community of like-minded souls where you feel completely comfortable being your true self.

3 Reflect, Process & Learn

Now is the phase of reflecting, processing & learning from all the experiences you went through.

This phase may not come for months or even years after you experienced the Initial Cutting of Ties Phase.

In order to be ready to learn from your past traumatic experiences you need to be fully comfortable in creating a life for the new you from the time you spent in the Time to Find Yourself Phase.

Mind you, during the 2nd phase you may have already started to reflect & process which is totally ok. I have learnt from my experience that moving back & forth between the phases happens when we have become open to moving through the original emotions we experienced during the traumatic relationship.

Some of you may find that you move through this phase with grace as the wisdom comes to you easily. However, for the majority of us we will need to ask for help through this phase because the best way to see the lessons is through a set of unbiased eyes.

This can mean consulting a therapist, mentor or coach in order to open yourself up to processing your experiences and learning from the lessons that came forward.

Different strategies and tools that can help in this phase include, but are not limited to: journalling through self-reflection prompts; meditating to clear your mind & open your intuition; connecting to support from the spirit world (whether you are religious or spiritual) this can include your angels, God or Great Creator, ancestors, archangels & ascended masters, spirit guides & animal guides; and connecting to nature and Mother Earth in order to bring peace into your life daily, create a mindfulness practice, and soaking in all the healing energy Mother Earth provides.

Moving through this phase really allows you to shift your mindset around the traumatic relationship from one of victim to one of strength, power & growth which will lead you to the fourth phase.

4 Heal & Release

Once you have opened yourself up to the amazing lessons that came through this relationship you become ready to heal yourself fully and release the pain & suffering that was once holding you back.

When you are still in the first phase of shifting away from a traumatic & toxic relationship it can be really hard to even understand that there may be lessons for you. Usually you are still experiencing hatred, resentment & frustration towards the other party. I say this without judgment because I was there - I experienced that hatred, resentment & frustration.

You may notice you move back and forth between this phase and the previous phase, as I know I have in the past as well. This is because some lessons take time to come up or if we aren’t open to seeing them at first they may appear and come forward in new ways until we are finally able to process & learn from them.

With each lesson you learn there will be part of you that needs to be healed in order to release this traumatic relationship and all the pain that came with it.

Healing takes a lot of work and it can prove to be a lot harder than expected.

You have the power within you to self-heal which requires patience, determination & love - SO MUCH LOVE!

If you are struggling with healing certain areas of you then do not hesitate to call in support, for there are all sorts of healers that can aide you in this process.

The best healing & releasing occurs when you have become open to listening to yourself fully, hearing what your heart has to say, opening to your intuition and where you are being guided, and connecting your mind with the energies that move through your body and your spirit.

Healing and releasing requires commitment and consistency in your life with the desire to move forward by stepping up into the best version of yourself always.

You may notice days when your emotions get the better of you and your mind tries to bring forward thoughts of being less than, this is when you take time to rest, connect to the tools & strategies that help remind you of your strength, and when you are ready lean back into the concept of releasing.

This phase can take months or even years, but it’s important to not be hard on yourself because you know the end goal is that you will be stronger and more capable than ever before.

5 Thank You & Rebirth

The moment that you know you are closer to being fully released from the trauma that was once holding you back is when you are able to reflect on your past and say THANK YOU.

You use these words because they explain the gratitude you have for the place you were once at and all the work you have put in since to get to where you are today.

These words share your love for yourself & your path because you know deep down you have evolved and grown into a beautiful being that would have never arrived to where you are today if you hadn't experienced that initial traumatic relationship.

You are able to take the lessons learned with you into future relationships.

You have so much more to offer the world because of the growth you have experienced.

In this phase you are experiencing transformation that will help you step into rebirth, but you do not want to forget the lessons that helped you to evolve.

The number one key strategy that has helped me in this phase and allowed me to step into rebirth is writing a thank you note.

This thank you note is not for the other party in the traumatic relationship, the person you once knew. But it is for their higher self, their spirit. This thank you note allows you to fully release and cut cords that have kept your lessons connected to them.

You write it for yourself because you know you are in a much better place, but you thank them because of all the lessons you were able to learn from the trauma you experienced. (Read my Thank-You letter below.)

This is something you can come back to if you ever need to remind yourself of the growth you experienced and how you are better off now.

Remember, you can experience trauma in many different ways and it’s important to recognize what you can change in order to shift forward when someone else is inflicting trauma in your life. You cannot change the other person - so usually the best change made is one of ending the relationship and moving into a new cycle of life for you.

These phases & tips will help you to regain independence & self-respect as you learn, heal and grow from any trauma experienced.

Please note that these are the phases I have I experienced and have helped me in my journey. If it does not resonate with you then that is ok too.

If you are in a stage where you do not know how to get out of a traumatic and toxic relationship then PLEASE reach out to someone who can & will support you. Feel free to message me and I would be happy to offer assistance as well.

I see you.

I support you.

I know you will get through.

** My Thank-You Letters **

Note - this was never sent to anyone and is only kept for my personal records.

Thank you ________ for your part in my story because without you I wouldn’t know my own inner strength today; without you I wouldn’t trust my intuition as much as I do now; without you I wouldn’t have created my own opinions & stepped into the power to stand behind them, so thank you for your actions because I was able to learn and grow causing me to step up to the role of maker of my life. Thank you for how you impacted my life, but I now move forward with the lessons & release all that no longer serves me.

Thank you ________ for you part in my story because without you I wouldn’t have learnt to put myself first no matter what; without you I wouldn’t have learnt about how real friendships should be a balance of give and take; without you I wouldn’t have learnt how important it is to live for myself and that I don’t need to make myself into somebody that other people like; without you I wouldn’t know the power of being true to myself; with you I would’ve still held onto guilt for how I experience life, so thank you for your actions because I was able to learn and grow causing me to step into the role of maker of my life. Thank you for how you impacted my life, but I now move forward with the lessons and release all that no longer serves me.

***

After 4 years of actively learning to release and let go of my fears, worries, doubts, past pains, and all the energetic blocks and resistance I’ve been carrying, I decided to put all of my knowledge together in the form of a book. This is a spiritual tool to guide and support you in learning what you are carrying that needs to be released, while also giving you many different strategies and practices to actively release the energy that no longer supports you. Check out the Releasing Guidebook.