People Pleasing & The Negative Side-Effects
I intend to show you how loving yourself fully must come before pleasing others.
People pleasers are proud of the ability they have to please everyone around them. We think no one else is built for this type of work and so we show up to ensure that all runs smoothly, there is balance in the world, and everyone else is receiving what they desire. From a young age we are taught to be kind, “if you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything”, which is a guiding light in the world of people pleasers.
If you do something long enough it becomes habitual, this includes people pleasing. You become comfortable with the act of helping others. You put your idea of success on helping other people and seeing them happy. This shouldn’t be a bad thing right?! There are definitely worse habits to have.
There are negative side effects of being a people pleaser.
Today we are going to break them down. The hardest part of being a people pleaser is when it becomes EXPECTED of you. You started out being helpful and receiving gratitude inspired you to continue. This eventually leads to the expectation of ALWAYS helping and the gratitude disappears because it’s “WHO YOU ARE” so you should enjoy being this way.
The spiral of negative side-effects start taking over and behind the scenes you resent certain people and situations for treating you like a tool to do their dirty work.
In my journey of pleasing people I got to that point.
Resentment. Bitterness. Frustration.
I was angry that “they” didn’t appreciate all the time I committed to helping.
I resented “them” for not saying thank-you.
I became drained and exhausted living my life to support “their” dreams.
This all led me to feeling like I fell by the wayside, like I didn’t matter, like I was expected to BE a certain way, I was expected to live my life for them.
People pleasing was not WHO I AM, but it was a part of me that I let become ALL OF ME.
Recently I’ve taken some time to reflect on my internal experiences as a people pleaser. The thoughts and emotions that were running through me. Not all people pleasers will experience these, yet I URGE YOU to take a good hard look at yourself, your actions, your decisions and your thoughts to see if there is any truth behind these side-effects and reasons why we lean into people pleasing as a habit.
INTERNAL REASONING BEHIND PEOPLE PLEASING
You worry about what everyone else thinks of you.
As people pleasers one of the biggest underlying reasons behind what we do is…
THE DESIRE TO BE LIKED.
THE DESIRE OF APPROVAL.
I’ve been there. I’ve had these thoughts.
We want people to like us and we desire to be approved as a ‘good person’, a ‘helpful person’, a ‘kind person’. We do everything in our power to aid those around us, to make sure they are enjoying life, to lighten their load.
I’m saying WHAT IS YOUR REASON BEHIND YOUR ACTIONS.
This is NOT a surface level thought process. It goes much deeper.
Are your actions as a people pleaser being guided by the desire for approval?
Think back to your highschool years, college years, early career years, in a new relationship.
Did you do everything in your power to help people to gain their affection? Did you desire to be liked by the “cool crowd”?
What were your intentions behind your actions?
SIDE-EFFECTS OF PEOPLE PLEASING
I mentioned earlier that pleasing people can become a habit after awhile. I definitely landed in this habitual space. Where did I end up? In order to continue down the rabbit-hole of pleasing those in my life (especially those I desired approval from) I told myself this side-effect…
I WILL BE HAPPY AS LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME IS HAPPY.
Does that sound familiar?
Have you been in this position?
Are you there right now?
I have some news for you. We do not have the power of controlling other people’s emotions.
Their happiness CANNOT depend on OUR ACTIONS.
This side-effect is 100% setting us up for failure.
“I will only be happy if they are happy” is NOT a good reason to experience happiness. We should be able to make sure we are happy first and foremost, then we can experience moments of happiness with others as well. We cannot put our happiness on the results of someone else being happy because of an action we’ve done.
You can only control YOUR happiness. By placing this emotion on the result of someone else’s emotions you are holding yourself back from experiencing happiness in so many other ways.
Emotions and happiness go so much deeper than this, but to sum it up you cannot place your happiness on the hopes that your actions will make others happy.
SIDE-EFFECT #2
When people pleasing results in a habit it can dictate the way you show up in the world and how you share yourself with those in your life. You become so focused on pleasing them that you forget to please yourself which can result in hiding parts of you. I experienced the side-effect of…
BEING AFRAID OF WHAT PEOPLE WOULD SAY IF I SHARED MY FULL SELF.
I WAS AFRAID OF THEIR JUDGING WORDS & LOOKS.
It’s almost as if I was lying about who I was because I worried “they wouldn’t approve of me”. So, not only was I pleasing people for approval, but I was also hiding WHO I WAS because I thought it would gain disapproval from those that I desired to be accepted by.
Have you been there?
Have you discredited parts of yourself, stories from your past, emotions you felt, dreams you desired, and opinions you carried because you were worried of being judged?
We begin CHANGING who we are just to please the people in our lives.
These changes are the results of self-judgment. We begin to hold ourselves BACK from ever fully seeing who we truly are. We only show pieces of ourselves, which leads us to never feel like a whole person.
This is YOUR Personal Growth Journey
Reflecting on your journey is one of the many practices I teach my clients. This practice helps you to heal from your past, create a present you enjoy living and actively work towards the future you dream of. As we reflect on our people pleasing tendencies we can learn a lot about ourselves and how to grow to become better.
I am constantly sharing tips, wisdom, guidance & strategies around personal growth with the focus on emotional, mental & spiritual wellness, here on my blog, in my podcast, on social media & in my free community on Facebook.
If you are on your growth journey and looking for more guidance then check out the Personal Growth Blog , follow me on Instagram, join my free community Shifting Forward, or check out my podcast.
If you are ready to learn, heal & grow, but are scared to do it alone then know that I am here. If you are ready to dive deeper and are looking for personalized guidance & strategies for your life then know you are not alone. I offer one on one mentoring calls where we focus on your specific needs in this moment. Solo Sessions offer a quick 60-90 minute call filled with strategies and tools to put you on the next level of your personal growth. Meanwhile the 1:1 Monthly Mentoring focuses on more in-depth guidance and wisdom for your growth journey.
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Ready to heal from life’s difficulties?
Ready to step into your own power?
Ready to stop having your emotions control your life?
Ready to have a mindset that supports you rather than holding yourself back?
SIDE-EFFECT #3
In life we search for love. Connection, community, support are some of the biggest factors in being human. We desire to feel that unconditional love from the people that surround us. One of the most impactful side-effects we experience through people pleasing is…
WORRYING THAT YOU WON’T RECEIVE THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE YOU DESIRE.
WE WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK OF US.
This thought, this side-effect, results in how we see ourselves. It is mirrored back to us. We worry that we won’t receive the unconditional love that we desire, BUT do we love ourselves unconditionally?! We worry about what others will think of us, but have we taken the time to see what we think of ourselves?!
Yes, connection, community and support are very important in life, and we need to learn to build connection with ourselves through self-support and self-love. People pleasing is a beautiful trait, but first and foremost you need to please yourself and you need to love yourself.
WE’VE UNCOVERED THE REASONS & SIDE-EFFECTS BEHIND PEOPLE PLEASING.
NOW WE CAN SEE WHERE THE LESSONS LIE.
People pleasing should not feel like awaiting approval, desiring to be liked, and hoping for that unconditional love.
You are worthy as you are.
You are loved as you are.
Getting yourself to this space first is necessary, then we can show up and help others. The main lesson through all of this reflection is…
I WAS A PEOPLE PLEASER THAT WASN’T TAKING THE TIME TO PLEASE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON - ME!
I have now learnt that I can be a people pleaser while pleasing myself first and foremost.
I learnt how to like myself.
I learnt how to approve of myself.
I learnt how to create happiness all on my own.
I learnt how to share myself fully with the world because I approve of myself.
I learnt that it doesn’t matter if certain people don’t like me because not everyone is going to like everyone. The people who do like me & support me as my true self are the ones who matter.
I learnt how to love myself unconditionally.
Life is about give & take - serve & receive.
As a people pleaser we GIVE, GIVE, and GIVE some more. We believe we don’t need anything in return, which is NOT true. We deserve to receive.
It is so important to uncover which relationships in your life take too much and give nothing in return. There needs to be a balance. I’ll admit the balance isn’t always perfect, but we cannot be the only ones giving.
We need to learn how to love ourselves. This can be difficult because we carry years of ancestral trauma & belief systems that affect the way we see ourselves. It takes time to learn how to build self-love and it all starts with being open to LEARN.
Shifting into self-love takes reflection. Look at the areas you struggle to love and choose to actively work through them. This means changing behaviours and beliefs that do not serve you and learning to see yourself from a different perspective. You have the ability to love yourself unconditionally and when you do you will be able to accept love from others.
Lastly, the people who matter will always be at your side, especially when you are open and vulnerable in sharing your FULL self. It can take time to get to this space, but trust is important in all relationships.
The people who don’t accept us fully don’t deserve our love and time. Once we accept ourselves fully we learn to share ourselves fully. When we are 100% comfortable with who we are we can attract the right people.
HOW CAN YOU WORK ON YOURSELF FIRST?
Take time for reflection
Create a safe space for you to reflect on your life, reflect on who you are with an open heart and the grace to learn. Remember, you desire to grow to be better each and every day. This is not a space where you shame your past self or judge how you behaved. You move forward knowing that you did the best you could with what you knew then. Now you know better so you strive for better.
Reach out for support
Reflection can be hard. Losing people in your life can be hard. Growing into change and away from a life you knew can be hard. Reach out and grow your support system. Talk to friends and family. Work with a mentor, counselor, therapist or coach to help you through.
Practice self-love through daily affirmations
The best way to work on changing your mindset to support you in life is through positive affirmations. Continually telling yourself the reasons why you love yourself will only prove to strengthen your connection.
Give yourself grace as you work through any changes
As I mentioned earlier you need to have grace for yourself through your growth. Honour yourself, respect yourself, and support yourself in the best way you can.
Please yourself first, then help others
You cannot help others from an empty cup. Fill yourself up first then help others from the overflow of love & support.
Join a supportive community
Life is always going to be hard. We move through times of success and celebration and we move through challenges and difficulties. Set yourself up for success by creating or joining a supportive community. They will cheer you on in the good times and be a safe space through the hard times. My community on Facebook is full of love, guidance & support and I would love to have you join. Shifting Forward is a space of like-minded souls who are growing through emotional, mental & spiritual wellness. Here is the link to join today!
My intention with this post was to show you how loving yourself fully must come before pleasing others. I hope you are able to look at yourself and your life with a new light. You are allowed to be a people pleaser and it makes you a beautiful person, but please make sure you are taking care of yourself first!
Need assistance? Message me or leave a comment below. I would be happy to discuss with you further. I would be happy to be your mentor through your personal growth journey.