7 Life Lessons for All People Pleasers to Live Happily
Your personal growth journey is about learning key life lessons so you can break away from the unsupportive and unhealthy patterns, beliefs and behaviours that you carry. Most people pleasers don’t even realize how their actions and behaviours are blocking them from embodying their true authentic self. Are you a people pleaser?
As a Spiritual Mentor and Intuitive Guide, I work directly with empaths, sensitive souls and people pleasers to understand their energy and emotions so they can live from an empowered and peaceful place. The clients I work with in my Spirit of the Empath 1:1 Mentoring program are exhausted, overly-emotional, and feel as if they’ve lost themselves. My job is to support and guide them through key life lessons so they can gain confidence in pursuing their soul purpose.
In this blog I am sharing 7 life lessons all people pleasers need to learn in order to live happily. A people pleaser is someone who places the needs and wants of everyone else over their own because they believe it will bring them fulfillment. Through my own experiences and witnessing the experiences of many of my clients, I’ve uncovered the truth that people pleasers act with the sole desire of receiving approval and appreciation from the world around them.
In my own journey I placed my worthiness on my ability to be kind and compassionate to others. I believed I was only worthy of receiving my desires because I prioritized the desires of others first. I thought that if I took care of everyone else and made sure they were happy, I would then be able to experience happiness myself.
In these beliefs, we end up placing our worthiness on the results we achieve meaning our worth is limited to what we are capable of creating. When the truth is that you are worthy as you are, there is nothing you need to do to become worthy. In my podcast, Carrying Connected Conversations with Syd & Ang, there is an episode on Why People Pleasing is Bad, which you can listen to when it airs on October 24th 2022.
The most common emotional wounds for people pleasers are associated with believing you are unworthy and feeling as if you are not enough. Here are 7 of the most important life lessons all people pleasers need to learn in order to live happily. It’s time for you to feel worthy and recognize you are more than enough.
1 Searching for external validation, choosing internal validation
When you are a people pleaser you are searching for external validation. This means that you are pleasing the people around you in hopes that they validate you for who you are and how you help them. You most likely grew up as a child constantly receiving validation from your parents by hearing the words “good girl” or “good body” and this has created a pattern within you that searches for that validation in all that you do.
This means you will prioritize taking care of others needs before your own simply to feel a sense of value. Learning to create internal validation is about giving yourself a sense of value for who you are, rather than what you do or the action you take. Affirming your own value in the world is an extremely empowering and supportive technique to building your confidence in who you are.
2 Stop taking on someone else’s opinions and values as your own
You have most likely placed someone else on a pedestal, which is why you struggle to break away from your people pleasing traits. You see this person as being smarter than you, stronger than you, or more capable than you and you place their opinions and values over your own. Over time, without even realizing it, you have taken on their opinions and values as your own and you end up losing yourself in this relationship. Whether it’s a friend, family member, coworker, or romantic partner, you have prioritized their opinions and values as a way to please them and keep them happy in life.
Are those values and opinions actually aligned with your true authentic self? Or do you feel as if you don’t know who you are anymore because you’ve become some inauthentic version of you? It’s time for you to uncover what your values and opinions are, without worrying about what someone else thinks. You are your own person and you deserve to have your own opinions and values.
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3 Stop placing your worthiness on other people’s emotions
I mentioned this one already as it’s something I experienced in my own journey as a people pleaser. When you place your worthiness on someone else’s emotions it means that you are doing everything you can to help someone else experience joy, peace, success etc. When that person is frustrated, angry, or sad, you take it on yourself to try and guide them back to joy.
The problem with this behaviour is that you are saying, “I’ll be happy when they are happy”, and what if they don’t reach happiness. You can’t control someone else’s emotions and you may try to do everything in your power to help them get to happiness, but they might never reach it if they don’t want to. This means you are limiting your ability to experience joy. It’s time for you to learn to separate your emotions and your worthiness from helping other people.
4 Determine your own definition/version of success & happiness
You may have grown up with parents who want to see you succeed in life and they have tried to guide you on the path to success. Maybe you chose to get an education in a specific industry because it would make your parents happy. Look at your life decisions and ask yourself, “did I choose this because it’s what my parents wanted?” This is a classic people pleasing tendency and if you don’t catch it now you could end up living a life of pleasing everyone else by living for their version of success and happiness.
You will even see this with your spouse, or as you compare your life to friends and peers. People pleasing is strong when you are living for someone else’s version of success. It’s time for you to get clear with yourself on what you believe success/happiness is and then ask yourself, “do I believe this because it’s what I was taught success/happiness is or do I believe this because deep within my heart I know this will let me feel joy in life?”
5 Stop feeling pressured to help others, Start finding purpose in your compassionate actions
A lot of people pleasers find themselves in this pattern of behaviours because they actually have a kind and compassionate heart and they truly want to give back to the world around them. I know I find myself in this category of recovering people pleasers. It’s okay if you enjoy taking care of others and sharing your compassionate heart with the world. But, this becomes a problem when you start to feel resentful, frustrated and bitter because you feel like you aren’t being appreciated for the action you take.
It’s important on your journey to not feel pressured to help others, but instead to find real purpose in your compassionate actions towards others. True soul purpose is not about doing something as a means to an end, instead it's about embodying a clear intention that drives your action.
6 Doing things for only yourself is important
This is for you!
The second most important lesson all people pleasers need to learn in order to live happily is how to do things that are only for yourself. This is not selfish, it’s necessary. Nobody is going to take care of you and you can’t wait for someone to ask you what you need in life. It’s time for you to start prioritizing your needs and wants, and some of those needs and wants need to be about only yourself.
7 Turning a bitter/resentful yes into a peaceful no
The most important life lesson all people pleasers need to learn is how to have boundaries around when you are willing to help someone and when you are not willing to help someone. Because you have created your people pleasing habit from the emotional wound of placing your worthiness on your pleasing abilities it means you more often will pressure yourself into saying yes to something when really you want to say no. Over time these yes’s that aren’t aligned with you turn you into someone who is bitter and resentful towards the people you are constantly putting before yourself.
It’s time for you to start turning those bitter/resentful yes’s into a peaceful no. You are allowed to say no, and it’s time you start learning how to.
These are only 7 of the most important life lessons all people pleasers need to learn in order to live happily. The best thing you can do right now is grab your journal and start reflecting on which of these lessons resonate most with you and how that behaviour affects your life.
If you feel as if your people pleasing tendencies have taken over your life and you are completely exhausted it is time for you to break away from these unsupportive behaviours. The Spirit of the Empath 1:1 Mentoring program is the space where you will not only learn the lessons, but you will feel supported in embodying the empowered and peaceful version of you. You can be kind and compassionate and have strong boundaries.
Learn more about the Spirit of the Empath 1:1 Mentoring program to see if it’s exactly what you are looking for as the next step on your personal growth journey.
Until next time, sending love & light on your spiritual journey,
Sydney Smith
Spiritual Mentor
Founder of Adventuring with Poseidon Wellness
