I’ve Been Avoiding My Truth | Episode 128: Check in with Ang
Avoiding and ignoring your emotions and unsupportive thought patterns is a trait that many of us experience on a regular basis. We suppress a calling that is deep within us and we avoid the truth that we don’t want to see.
In this episode of the Carrying Connected Conversations podcast Ang is sharing how she has been avoiding her truth. Co-host Syd takes the time to hold space for Ang as she shares a raw and vulnerable experience of awakening to her insecurities and how she hadn’t been loving herself. Not only is Ang sharing her recent experience of finally admitting to her truth, she is able to explain the life lessons and shift in perspectives that are helping her to heal through an energetic release.
Listen to the episode to hear Ang share the story of breaking away from her insecurities and finally standing up for herself and her needs.
You can continue reading about the conversation Syd & Ang had on the podcast through the transcript below.
Syd: Hello everyone! Welcome back to another episode of Carrying Connected Conversations, the podcast. My name is Sydney if you do not know and I am here excited, grounded, fully present for the conversation that my co-host Ang and I are about to embark on. This is a check in episode with Ang, she is going to be sharing something that she has experienced in her life recently. Often with these check in episodes it requires us, Ang and I, to be extremely vulnerable and to share things that are hard to share. Today, as we step into this episode I want to get myself, Ang and you the listener in this beautiful sacred space, holding grace and compassion and openness and a willingness to listen; to hear what Ang has to share today. Before we jump in as she is going to share her truth and maybe what she has been avoiding in her life, let me introduce my co-host to you.
Ang, hello! How are you doing today?
Ang: Hey hey! I am doing so well, despite being nervous talking about this. I am doing quite well today. I didn’t have a very good sleep last night, but since being back from my trip, which is what I want to talk about today, I’ve been feeling a lot better; since before I left where I had a lot of anxiety lingering on where in moments I didn’t want to experience it. Now I feel a lot more calm and at peace.
Syd: I love that so much, to hear that you are feeling calmer and more peaceful. You and I did have a friend chat right before you left on your trip and I remember the energy of anxiousness that you were carrying. I really had hoped that your trip would provide that calmness and sense of peace that you were not only needing, but wanting. Can you explain to me what you experienced recently? What was it that gave you that breakthrough or ah-ha moment of why you were anxious?
Ang: 100%. The anxiousness, without getting straight to the point but getting straight to the point, was because I was avoiding my truth. I’ve been finding ways to suppress it and not accept it. I’ve been finding ways to put it aside. During my trip, I went somewhere warm, I got stuck in a very insecure energy. It was also provoking my environment to respond in that same energy. It was pretty much lacking to say the least. I will talk a little more about it.
The first few days of my trip I did not feel comfortable in my skin, at all. I was very self conscious of my butt. So weird to say, but especially in a thong bikini. I brought the bikini bathing suit. The thong bathing suit, but I didn’t think I was going to wear it, so I wore my full backs. I realized that the energy I was in was the energy that I was not enough simply because I was not comfortable in my own skin. Meaning I was not loving me for me. The days I felt uneasy about myself, it was crazy because the type of comments I was receiving from other people around me, mainly staff from where I was, it was mainly snarky remarks about my appearance. It was mainly from men and it made me feel “ick”. Why would I want to where my thong bikini when I was already getting these comments when I was fully clothed? It was already making me not feel that much better.
Here I am thinking what am I not doing right? Clearly I’m not doing something right because I’m not deserving of receiving this type of behaviour from other people. Clearly I’m doing something. What did I finally decide to do? I decided to talk about my insecurities about my butt to my sister. It felt so good because it was an immediate sense of relief and I didn’t have to keep hiding my insecurities. I could talk about them.
It was also important for me to understand where they came from in the first place. It was important to determine where these insecurities came from in the first place. Why was I self conscious of my behind? I mean it’s only a bathing suit right?! This is where things got very deep and emotional for me during my trip. I realized since I was a child I’ve moved through some very traumatic experiences from the opposite sex. I haven’t spoken about it until recently and interestingly enough it resulted in my losing a long term friend.
To paint the picture more clearer, I’ve been personally involved in abuse relationships, emotionally, physically and psychologically. They have all given me unconscious ways of thinking about the opposite sex and of course myself, because this was all I knew to be true. Because I was raised in an environment where most of these traits were the only traits that I knew, it meant when I was looking for a boyfriend through the years I would be attracted to boys with toxic traits. I saw them as secure traits because again, it’s what I knew to be true. Meaning they are exactly who I need. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew I felt so disconnected from a soul level until my late 20’s. Women didn’t talk about these things from a standpoint of it not being okay. I received comments like, “it’s just a phase it will pass”, or in previous relationships I had been I’d hear, “oh you’ve been together for so long and you’ve been through so much why would you give up now?”. These are the comments I am receiving from people in my life that have been there for so long. The only way that I knew how to cope with any of the abuse was basically to accept it.
I saw that as that was love. That is how you receive love, so you have to accept it if you want to be loved. That meant that I kept living and expressing myself unauthentically. I kept attracting toxicity into my life. Because I accepted it all I also subconsciously created insecurities within myself based on what was said to me over the abusive years. I took this in as my truth. How could I love myself if they don’t love me for me? It wasn’t until recently, by sharing my insecurity with my sister, that I felt that relief. I realized that suppressing, not only my truth, but the truth does not do any good from an energetic standpoint. The energy that I am dwelling in is clearly the energy that I am attracting. By me not speaking about it was me shoving it down and suppressing it. This is why all these triggers kept coming up and I kept feeling off, like during the first part of my trip.
Until I really acknowledged what was going on around these comments I was receiving, I was able to see that this isn’t okay. I can actually say no and I can stand up for myself. Just because of my past and my experiences with the opposite sex it doesn’t mean that I have to generalize and put everyone of that sex into a box. I completely shifted the way that I was looking at myself. Rather than being insecure I said, “you know what, I am here to be me for me, not for anybody else”. From that moment on that I shifted how I felt about myself it was all of a sudden these comments no longer came forward. If anything I was actually receiving compliments, rather than very icky men speaking about my body. I was instead greeted by people saying I was so beautiful. It became very different types of comments because of how I shifted my energy.
Syd: Wow! Thank you for sharing. There is a weight to your experience in talking about this emotional, mental and physical abuse. In a sense allowing yourself to continue that cycle because it’s all you know. That progressively creates an environment where you don’t love yourself and you don’t believe in yourself and you have these insecurities. I can see from what you shared, and thankfully, seeing how you’ve been able to shift and find the light, not just start the healing process; but, really create growth for yourself and start to head into a new cycle of how you experience life. I can see from what you shared how you were stuck in a pattern. You said the thoughts you had about yourself, the insecurities, you weren’t able to love yourself, it kept you in this pattern of seeking men or boys, the opposite sex, who also carried those traits of putting you down. It was exactly as you said, the energy was mirroring, the energy you carried was the energy being attracted back to you.
In this experience, how do you feel moving forward?
Ang: I definitely feel liberated by talking about it. At the same token, I am also very frustrated. I am very frustrated as to why women don’t stand up for each other when we are noticing that these comments are being said. In my previous relationship I heard, “you two have been together through so much, why give up now?”. If I hear a woman hearing these comments being said to me, why aren’t they stepping up and saying, “hey this is not okay”. I realized it’s because I was again surrounding myself with the wrong type of people. In reality both sexes. I felt frustrated because it’s not okay to be spoken to in that way. Why is it also not okay for us to be speaking about it from an honest standpoint? Not laughing it off, but actually talking from a serious standpoint. I think we were so used to it, we as women, are so used to laughing things off. Or at least I thought so. I thought other women went through the same things that I did, so you just never talk about those moments because everyone went through it. I think that is where the frustration stems from.
Syd: Ya! I think you are right that we have been taught through the generations before us, whether it was intentional or not and it was most likely not intention. We were taught to keep our mouths shut. The good girl is the quiet girl who keeps things to herself. Also we were taught to not share our emotions. Everyone has emotions and nobody wants to deal with your emotions so keep them to yourself. There are so many different beliefs that we are taught to keep the difficult things to ourselves, but then what does that produce? It produces mental health issues and deep insecurities. I really like how you shared that the shift really began for you in finally opening up and sharing about your insecurities with somebody that you trusted and respected. That is the first step in releasing the energy. Something I always like to talk about is that in journaling through your experiences is the process and the first step in releasing that energy so you can create a new cycle. If you keep it constantly spinning in your thoughts whether unconscious or not it holds that energy in your body.
The frustration that you are feeling, I find really interesting because it goes to show how much this shift for you has affected you in your life. I can see this frustration in you is lighting a fire within you, lighting a fire of purpose within you of how you want to show up to help other women. You said without even realizing it you were attracting men and women who have those insecurities, or who increased those insecurities. The women you were talking to, of course they aren’t going to say something different like, “hey you need to get out of that relationship”, or “hey you can't talk to her that way” because you were attracting what your energy was. Through your growth journey you’ve started to attract people with different perspectives. You’ve started to attract people with a growth mindset and people who are willing to have these uncomfortable conversations and not just laugh off the shitty stuff. You are attracting the people who say, “hey we need to make a stand for ourselves and make a change if necessary”. With that, what is your key takeaway from your experience? How do you want to let that key takeaway propel you forward in how you show up in the world?
Ang: Time does not equal truth and truth does not equal time. Like I said, just because I’ve been raised in an environment where this is what I’ve known to be true does not mean it is true. It’s not okay. Why believe someone just because you’ve known them for so long that it is true? It’s not. Remember I said I felt disconnected from myself at a soul level. I literally, just until my late 20’s when I started my personal development journey is when I became connected. I don;t want to say reconnected, just connected. That is when I got to choose what kind of treatment I allowed or didn’t allow in my life simply by reflecting and speaking about it. I think that is where the frustration lies because I never had the ability to do that. When I change what I know I can change who I am. As well as the standards and morals that I set for myself. Right now it’s so much easier for myself to see the truth when I stop looking at it as darkness and instead as a light as to how and why I’ve been shaped into who I am today. The big truth I was suppressing was that the long term friend was provoking me to stay in the relationship. I wanted to believe her because again time equaled truth. Through all of this I’m realizing that the standards and morals I hold for myself should also be present in the people that I surround myself with. It’s all related to time because I kept thinking that time is the truth. Everything that I knew for so long I thought was just how it was. This is not it at all, it’s what you know. When you change what you know…
Syd: Ya! It’s not how we grow as a society if we continue to do what has always been done just because time is truth. This is how we become stagnant. Allowing ourselves to see that the way that something has always been done is not necessarily the best way. This is the moment where, exactly as you are saying, we find our truth. We have a willingness to shift the conversation. For me in my experiences, especially when I had my mental and emotional breakdown, the reason why I was able to shift my life in a positive direction is because I said, “this can’t be the only way”. This can’t be the only way and there has to be something better. This really calls into what you are saying right now. The recognition that there has to be something better and just because this is the way it’s always been doesn’t mean it is the best way, or the right way.
Ang: Exactly.
Syd: There is so much in what you said that hits home for me and makes me want to ring a bell and shout yes yes yes! I think that is what’s resonating the most with me. Just because it’s always been done this way doesn’t mean that’s the way it should be. I can see this in my own beliefs, behaviours, and habits. Just because this is what my parents taught me doesn’t mean it’s the way that feels right for me. It really goes to show that we need to be able to create that connection to our soul, to our centre, and recognize we are all different. We are all so different and we need to get rooted in our values. Exactly as you said, getting rooted in our own values isn’t just about how we desire to show up, but it’s about how we look at the people who are surrounding us.
Ang: Ya and how we are receiving the communication from them. Whether it’s communication through words, love or actions. It’s understanding what is okay and what is not okay for you individually. Not what you’ve been told for x amount of years, really diving in and seeing where your truth in all of this lies. Where do my standards and morals lie? It’s so much easier to become clear with that once you can realize you are doing this for you, you aren’t doing it for the other people.
Syd: Yes exactly. As we wrap up this conversation, I’d love to chat more about this because I think there is so much in this that is so helpful, for you, for me, and for the listener. Maybe there is something specific you want to share, either share what you want to share or answer the question I have. Or both.
Ang: I love it!
Syd: At the beginning of the conversation today you said you had been avoiding your truth. I know that from what you’ve shared it was the truth of, from my understanding, the truth of your insecurities and how you saw yourself. The truth of what you’d been allowing yourself to receive. If you were insecure and not loving yourself, you were allowing yourself to receive other people who also don’t love you, really when it comes down to it. I think moving forward there is maybe a deeper truth within you that is light. There is a truth of eagerness for what you are about to create. The truth of “this is what I am calling into my life”. Maybe this is also part of what you were avoiding. Do you feel there is a positive truth that is being awakened within you right now? If so, what is it?
Ang: Absolutely. It’s hard for me to say exactly what it is because I believe I am still moving through this. There are a lot of parts of what I had talked about… this is kind of bringing everything together. I know right now the big thing from it all is that I need to energetically let go. I need to let go of time. I feel like I have been attaching time to people and people to time. Knowing that I can energetically let go and then actually let go, to create more room. I do see it as a positive thing that has happened to me because it’s allowing me to see things for what it is. I know I’ve talked about this a lot on the podcast, it’s just so true. I knew there was something inside of me that was telling me to leave that relationship but I just never wanted to admit to it. That was admitting to my truth knowing that this was not how I wanted to be treated. This was not something that I wanted to accept in my life. I wouldn’t want this to happen to anyone else, so why accept it for me? Really coming to terms with those standards and morals, I think is helping me energetically let go so much more. It’s allowing me to see things a lot clearer for my truth in it all.
Syd: Oh I love that so much! That really is how we uncover our soul truth. It’s something that I believe that we’ve been taught a “truth” our entire lives that really is masking our soul truth. So the work you are doing right now, in this energetic release, exactly as you said, it’s work and a process. But it is guiding you to the positive truth because you are letting go of all the layers that have been hiding and masking your soul truth. I think that is beautiful. That is the name of the game. That is what we are here for. To get back to our soul truth and our center.
Ang: Oh absolutely. I should’ve prefaced this at the start, well I guess I kind of did. I was really nervous to talk about this. I am still going through it in a lot of ways. I am obviously not sounding like my super bubbly self because of the nerves, but also because it’s my reality. I haven’t really, well I have recently, but beforehand I had never really spoken about my experiences from a serious standpoint. Not to say that all things you go through in life need to be spoken from a serious standpoint. But I am not here to laugh off those moments anymore. There have been experiences that I had recently been through that I 100% had laughed off. I would say, “oh my gosh so funny this happened”, and everyone would look at me crazy. I would think it was fine because I was suppressing it.
I really am showing up in a different energy today because it is a very intentional energy for me. It is an intentional release. I really do believe that talking about it is an intentional way of releasing that energy. It’s not me apologizing that I am not my super bubbly self, just me prefacing that there are times when I can be bubbly. But there are also times when I know that the intention is needed to be a little more on a calmer tone. I feel a lot clearer and connected with myself when I do speak from this standpoint. I’m noticing over the years that the bubbliness, I find there is a lot of masking of my own truth that I’ve been experiencing and it was how I showcased that. It was how people perceived me as a bubbly person, when in reality it has not been at all how my life has been. Ya, that is what I want to say to that.
Syd: I think that is a really good point because we are multifaceted humans. We are not one dimensional, we are multidimensional and there are many parts of us. What you shared from the masking of this deeper side of you, and automatically going to the bubbly side of you actually resonates with me. I can see looking back on my past how I had certain versions of me that I allowed to take the stage, or be the forefront of who I was because I was suppressing something different that was within me. Something that I didn’t necessarily want to see or give a voice to. The moment we see it and give a voice to it, we have a better understanding of who we are, which means we are able to carry more grace for who we are in all phases of who we are. Not only the moments where we feel excitable and bubbly and ready to take center stage. Instead we can honour ourselves and hold grace for ourselves when we are feeling heavier or are moving through a deep lesson that is created by a lot of pain we’ve been holding onto. I agree with you, I think these more serious and intentional conversations are extremely important.
Ang: Yes thank you!
Syd: Yes you are so welcome.
Ang: Now the emotions are running through me. Oh boy.
Syd: Great point to wrap up our conversation so you can hold space for yourself with your emotional release. I really want to thank you for sharing this. This is a really, like I said, it’s heavy conversation and vulnerable. Maybe not all of the listeners, but there are going to be people who really resonate with your story. There are certain people who are awakening to their own truth and recognizing that they aren’t willing to put up with something that they’ve always put up with. Thank you so much for sharing and for allowing us to get a glimpse into what you are experiencing right now.
Ang: You are welcome. Thank you for allowing me to have the space to share my truth because it’s hard. Let’s be real. It’s hard. So, here we are.
Syd: Ya, it’s really hard. Which is why we are here having these conversations. We are sharing the importance of having friendships with people who are willing to hold space. I’m not here to fix your problems for you, I am here to see you in the experiences that you are moving through. That is what gives you the power to then heal, and fix what you’re experiencing.
Ang: Absolutely.
Syd: Beautiful. I love it. I want to thank the listener for joining us in today’s conversation. If you really enjoy these deep vulnerable dives into our pain and our experiences and what we are learning. If you find that these types of conversations really resonate with you because you have a desire to go deep, be vulnerable and to be seen, then give us a 5 star rating. We see you and we know that you are also experiencing something that can feel traumatic. You are opening up and recognizing that it’s important to heal and that you can shift your life experiences through healing. If that resonates with you, give us a 5 star rating because that is what we are here for. We are here to see you as we see ourselves.
Next week we are coming in with my check in for my life experiences. It’s interesting because Ang you are talking about releasing and moving through an energetic release. Next week I am sharing a deep energetic release I experienced in releasing fear and the physical effects it took on my body. If you are interested in hearing a conversation like that, then stay tuned for next week.
We are sending you so much love, light, strength, healing energy, compassionate energy. We see you and we understand you from the best of our abilities. We are holding space for you in your journey.
Thank you so much for being here, and we will chat at you next week. Bye everyone.
Ang: Bye!