Recovering from a Toxic Environment (My Birthday Gift to Me)
9 years ago to this day I received a call that would forever change the trajectory of my life.
This was on my 22nd birthday. This call led me to move out west where I had no secure plans other than a job and a potential home. 4 years ago to this day I had a moment of recognition. I questioned who my friends really were. I questioned who I really was. I questioned the life I was living. I pushed all this questioning to the side and said to myself that in 2 years time my life would be completely different. I said to myself that in 2 years time I would be able to live out my dreams. A month and a half later my life changed forever. A month and a half after I turned 27 I made a call that would once again forever change the trajectory of my life.
My life changed not because I wanted it to change, but instead because I felt I had no choice. I had a choice, and the choice I made was to walk away from the life I had known for the last 5 years. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t really fully grasp the impact this decision was going to have on who I was or the life I was living.
Today, I have found myself sitting by a reservoir staring out at the mountains that I once considered home.
Let me paint the picture.
After University I moved to the other side of the country and started creating a life for myself in a small mountain town. Being a small town girl I quickly fell in love with this particular small town, the landscape, the community and the life I was building. I’ve learned to create a home wherever I am living because I understand the power of being my own home. The time I lived in this small mountain town is the second longest I’ve ever lived in one town. My childhood town came first, and then this town where I lived from 22 to 27 years of age.
I left this town feeling broken.
I walked away from the life I had created feeling lost, unseen, and crippled with pain.
The town I once called home became a fear-inducing, emotionally triggering place that I avoided at all costs.
Simply passing this small mountain town on the highway gave me anxiety.
I left this town, and the life I had created because I found myself in a toxic environment where I didn’t know how to prioritize my needs or how to stand up for myself. The moment I made it known that I was leaving I received more anger and resentment from those around me, further proving the toxicity in my life and the need for ending this cycle.
The problem about ending cycles is they don’t fully finish even when it looks like they have. Even though I no longer lived in this town, I still carried the fear, the anxiety, and the pain for many years.
It’s almost been 4 years since I left and I am ready to complete this cycle. I no longer want to feel the anxiety from this physical location. I no longer want this small mountain town to trigger my emotions. I don't want to let someone else have control over the pain I feel.
I want to heal. I want to forgive. I want to move forward.
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Back to the blog - Recovering from a Toxic Environment (My Birthday Gift to Me)
It’s been a year now since Poseidon passed away.
This is the town that brought me to Poseidon. This is the town where we started our lives together. This is where he was born. This was his home for the majority of his life. I no longer want to avoid this place. I no longer want to ignore the pain I have felt for so long. I no longer want to suppress the triggers. I want to release it all and heal, fully and completely. I want to shift forward in life and no longer carry the weight of my past experiences. I am ready to end this cycle.
I forgive myself for not honouring my emotions fully while I lived in this mountain town.
I forgive myself for not standing my ground with my values and beliefs.
I forgive myself for allowing other people to push me around and pressure me into things that did not feel aligned with me.
I forgive myself for letting myself become someone I didn’t like.
I forgive myself for hurting the people around me.
I forgive myself for needing to walk away and start over.
I forgive you for the way you chose to speak to me, for now I know where to place boundaries to protect myself.
I forgive you for not seeing the pain I was in, for I did not know how to say it out loud and now I know that sharing my emotions creates strong and supportive relationships.
I blamed this town for the pain I held, when it was never the town’s fault.
I shamed this town and all the people in it for the hurt I experienced, when shame was not necessary.
I carried guilt for my experience for so long and how I impacted other people, when guilt only kept me attached to the pain for longer than necessary.
I judged the people of my past and thought of them as lesser people, because it made me feel more powerful and strong, which resulted in me prolonging the end of this cycle.
There is so much that I would do differently, but ultimately I would not change a thing because I have learnt, I have grown, and I am healing, which is all I can ask for.
I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to take care of myself back then.
I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to honour myself back then.
I’m sorry that I didn't understand how my choices were affecting who I was becoming as a person.
I’m sorry that it all happened in the way it did.
I once called this town home.
Then I called this town the worst place in the world.
Now, I simply want to see the beauty in this space and remember that it was all part of my journey.
There is power in forgiveness.
There is power in healing.
Most importantly, there is power in releasing. I am choosing to release the pain, the anxiety and the emotional triggers this place has created for me. Even though I started fresh 4 years ago, I never really started a new cycle, because I hadn’t allowed myself to end this current cycle.
I’m ready now. I want to have a fresh start, I desire the beginning that I never gave myself.
The reason why I believe I never started fresh, even when I walked away from the life I had lived for 5 years, is because my pain had still been controlling the way I chose to live. Your experiences dictate how you move forward in life. I was running away from something, and I didn’t really know where I was headed. All I knew was what I didn’t want to experience. Now that I’ve lived and learned for the last 4 years I’m clearer on where I want to go. I’m no longer running away from my pain. I’ve felt it. I’ve lived through it. I’ve learned from it. I am choosing to continue healing it. My past experiences do not define me, for I am choosing to create a new way of being from all I’ve learned through.
I like to think that Poseidon would be proud of the person I am today. I like to think that he is cheering me on every single time I learn a new lesson and every time I choose to honour myself however I feel. I no longer run from my emotions or the pain I am feeling. I choose to sit in it. Now I know that sitting in my feelings allows me to release the attachment, so I can truly heal.
I no longer want to look at this small mountain town and only see the pain, only feel the anxiety and only see the mistakes I’ve made. I want to look at this small mountain town and see how it shifted me, how it impacted me, and how the life I lived here led me to the life I live today. This place will forever be part of my story and I want to look back on it with fondness, not fear.
In this moment, as I let my tears flow, I release the pain. I take back my power and I choose to feel the beauty this small mountain town has to offer.
I am 31 years old today and I know that an ending always leads to a beginning. Today I close the chapter and I am ready to turn the page and begin again. What comes next? I can’t wait to see.
~~~~~~~~
I wrote this on my 31st birthday and I am grateful for the healing I’ve moved through since then. Clearing this emotional wound and healing the energetic triggers has helped me in more ways than I can count.
For one, I more easily hear messages from the Universe and I fully trust my intuition. The day before my 31st birthday my family asked me if I had any plans and the only thing I knew was that my intuition was guiding me to travel back to the town from my past. I didn’t know what I would do when I got there, but I knew I needed to heal and close the chapter. My soul led me there and Spirit guided my through the process with loving support.
I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for my connection to the Universe and my trust in my Soul Path.
Learning to strengthen your connection to the Universe so you can fully trust the voice of your Soul and your intuition takes devotion and a willingness to try. If you are ready to deep dive into this work then the Spirit of Air program is for you. Doors close on December 11th 2021 for the 2022 program. Check it out to learn more. If you are feeling called, it’s time to trust your intuition!
Until next time, sending love and light on your spiritual journey,
Sydney Smith
Founder of Adventuring with Poseidon Wellness
