Why the Inner Work is Important Before/During/After All Relationships | Episode 115: Check in with Ang
Inner work is the process of better understanding yourself and the way you react to life. It’s about building awareness of your thought patterns, learning from your emotions, healing your past pains, and strengthening your confidence around living in a way that feels good for you.
In this week’s episode of the Carrying Connected Conversations Podcast, co-hosts Syd and Ang dive into the importance of inner work both before, during and after a relationship. This topic of conversation in personal development comes up because of Ang’s recent experiences in leaving her working relationship and her romantic relationship in the matter of a month. As Ang shares the life lessons she is moving through during these massive life changes, Syd and the listeners get a glimpse into her perception of inner work and its importance in life.
Listen to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts right now.
You can continue reading about the conversation Syd & Ang had on the podcast through the transcript below.
Syd: Hello everyone, welcome back! Wow! It feels good to say that. If you don’t know we took a break. The last episode we recorded we had said we would be gone for a month and it’s been several months now, but to be honest we needed it. We needed it individually and collectively for this podcast to get a little bit clearer on what we are creating, why we are showing up in this podcast, and really who we are as individuals.
If you are new here, then welcome to the Carrying Connected Conversations Podcast, My name is Sydney and I am one of your co-hosts. Angie, my best friend, is our other co-host for the podcast. Hello Ang, how is it going?
Ang: Hey hey, I am doing quite well today! How are you doing Syd?
Syd: I am doing really well and I’m really excited because it’s been a long time since we’ve sat down and had a conversation like this. Not just for the podcast but also personally. It’s not that when we took a break from the podcast we took a break from our friendship, but we really got busy with our own things and our own lives. So, I’m excited to jump back in.
For those of you who have been following along on our journey for a while now, we are coming back with a fresh energy. We have fresh mindsets and a fresh perspective, like I said, on what we are creating in this podcast. Our structure is going to shift from what you may have known in our original episodes.
Today we are starting off with a check in episode and it’s going to be all about Angie. I am really excited because Angie has picked the topic on what she wants to check us in on, and I know nothing about what has gone on in her life in this aspect. So, I’m really excited to jump into this conversation.
We are talking all about Angie’s perspective on why the inner work is important before, during and after a relationship. That is a powerful topic! We all know I love the inner work, and you do as well Ang. So let’s jump right in. I want to start off, I have some questions I want to ask you Ang, but first I want you to give us a little bit of a background. Do you want me to ask you a question or do you want to just jump right in?
Ang: Ya, I think let’s just jump right in and it would be a good time to ask your first question. This is going to be a little bit of a different episode, we kind of have done this in the past, but this is one in particular where I have recorded a video of myself. It was a 30 minute video and I will upload this as a separate episode on our YouTube channel. I’m not going to talk about the video necessarily, but I do want to talk about the main points of the importance of inner work before, during and after a relationship.
I want to put this video up for anyone that wants to know a little bit more about my life, and what I’ve gone through. I do know, Syd, that you know most of it because we are BFF’s, so it’s not like that part of my life is completely unknown to you. There are some extras that I’ve talked about, so if you do catch me short phrasing it, and referencing the video it’s not because I don’t want to answer the question, it’s because I fully explain it in the video. I wanted to preface with that.
The whole point why I decided to take this video is because for the past 10 months, September until June I took a new position and I was in management. Since we stopped recording the podcast there have been some life changes, and I quit that job. I completely cut ties with it, so that part of my life is no longer. Also, I didn’t talk about this in the video and I think it’s important to preface it with what we are going to talk about today. Earlier, before we left the podcast, I was seeing this guy and I've also since then cut ties with him. We will talk more about this later if you have questions on it, I am happy to answer them because this is something we have not spoken about. I’ve been anticipating this conversation. That is the preface of where I want this conversation to go, so I’m hoping that makes sense. That being said Syd, is there a question you want to start off the bat with?
Syd: Ya, definitely. I think it’s really good to understand that this topic you have chosen, it includes your journey of having a job and leaving the job. It also includes the journey of having been in some sort of relationship and now having left that relationship. The first question I have, and I’m hoping it really gets the ball rolling, is what was the ah-ha moment for you? If it wasn’t one moment but instead it was a sequence of events. What was the moment where you really said “oh my gosh the inner work, this is important”, was there something that happened to you? Does that make sense?
Ang: 100%. It’s interesting because the point of today’s conversation is the perception of why the inner work is important before, during and after a relationship. I don’t want to limit this to just a loving relationship, I would like to extend it into a working relationship with co-workers and such. I think your question really does highlight the importance of it all.
No. There wasn’t a specific moment but there were definitely sequences of events over time. I didn’t go in depth in the video I recorded, so I am happy to go in depth with it now. Well, not too in depth obviously. In regards to the guy that I was seeing, as euphoric and beautiful as it was, there was something missing and I could never put my finger on it. What kept happening was a sequence of events that was telling me “hey this is probably not made for you”, “hey you need to pull back a little bit”, “hey you need to stop doing this, stop forcing”. I didn’t really catch onto this until after I quit my job.
Now talking about the importance of inner work in relation to my job. For those 10 months I was in management, guess what I did? I hate to admit it, but I’ve got to admit it now. I stopped. I stopped doing the inner work. I stopped doing it consecutively, I stopped doing it as second nature. I would only do it in my hard moments. I didn’t do it in my good moments. I didn’t do it in the moments in between. I would only do it in my hard moments. I kept feeling this weird disconnect in my job. I kept thinking “what’s going on” and then it would transpire into my relationship. Then that relationship would transpire into my job. So it kind of bled into all these different aspects and I started to realize that this is not okay.
It started with a sequence of events specifically at work, and then it was a sequence of events specifically in the relationship. Now, I started noticing exactly what it was when I cut ties with one of them and I first cut ties with my job. It got to a certain point where even my family was asking me to hang out and do things and I kept responding with “I don’t have time, I don’t have time”. I realized that’s so stupid because how can I not have time to do the one thing that I want to do the most and that’s to spend time with my family. Now work was completely overconsuming my life. Now I don’t have time for my parents and I realized, that’s not okay. When it started to become a lot more like this is when I realized I have to start doing things that benefit me and this job was no longer benefiting me.
So, I cut ties with that and it wasn’t until that part of my life started to settle down. I had a lot of family oriented things right after I quit my job, and it made me realize in the sequence of events that weren’t going super well in the relationship, I was in a sense denying it. I think it’s because I had my old suppressive behaviours coming up. It’s not that the relationship was bad by any means, it wasn’t physically or emotionally bad, it was more about what was actually going on. What was actually going on was I started to lose myself in the relationship. Not as much as I was before, but to the point where I was recognizing I was not in alignment.
It was so crystal clear when I quit my job because I had so much more time to see where the misalignment was. I needed to pull myself back to see that I needed to recenter myself, even though working is needed. We all know working is needed, but at what cost. It was creating so much of a disconnect from me personally as a human being, around who am I, if I’m not even focusing on myself.
So it wasn’t a specific moment, it was multiple things over time where I was finally like “okay”, I’ve finally realized what’s going on so I’m going to start cutting energetic ties, physically and energetically as fast as I can.
Syd: I love that so much because I think it really explains the feeling we get when there is an ah-ha moment or a breakthrough. Sometimes it is something that has awakened us, but sometimes it is a sequence of events and we get to that ah-ha moment. What that ah-ha moment is, is finally connecting the dots on all of the sequence of events.
While you were talking so many thoughts began to spark up. The first thing I thought was a saying that you say all of the time, “how you do one thing is how you do all things”. At the end there you said you lost yourself in the relationship, maybe not so much as you’ve experienced in past relationships. First of all I want to say that it’s great how you are saying a relationship is not just a romantic relationship, it’s any kind of relationship. This is what I’m implying when I say the word relationship as well.
I saw you in your work relationship and I could tell that you had lost yourself in that space. Your light was diminished and your work really took over everything. I think through this entire experience, I don’t want to put words in your mouth; but from what I can see, and reflecting my own experiences into this situation, it’s really a reminder of what do we want to prioritize in our lives. What is important to us? What are our values and are we taking the time to prioritize those values? For you when you started your personal growth journey, it was a huge part of your life and it was really important to you. You found in different phases how to balance it with different things, it’s not like it was the only part of your life.
Now, all of a sudden when you don’t have the time and energy for the inner work, you start to lose yourself. I believe the inner work is how you stay connected to yourself. When we are moving through life we are constantly taking on more information from the world around us. We are creating opinions based on the information, but we really need to take a step back every once and awhile and reflect. Has the information I’ve taken on , does it actually resonate with me? Do I want to move forward with this? Am I making and forming opinions based on this information because I feel pressured to, forced to or because it actually aligns with my values?
I want to say thank you for really giving an explanation of how you came to the realization of “man the inner work is really important before, during and after a relationship.” I think usually it’s after a relationship that ends, not just romantic but family, friend, or work relationship. Those are the times we are given more time and space to actually check in with ourselves to say “who have I become” and “who do I want to continue to become”.
Ang: I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I was not prioritizing my values. Bottom line, I was not. I was not. I got so quickly into autopilot because what happens in our everyday life, in our society we are bred to work. It’s not like we are living to work, we are working to live. Most of us in society, we do have it backwards. By me not focusing and prioritizing my values, and more specifically not doing the inner work, what was I doing? I was losing myself to things outside of me, like my work, like my relationship, so I was no longer a priority. If I don’t put myself as a priority, then when I run down who is going to show up for me? No one.
This is why it’s important to ask yourself those questions of, “is this still in line with where I’m wanting to go” because if we don’t remind ourselves of those questions and specifically for me because it’s where my values lie. It’s important for me to do the inner work in order to create intentionality in my life. Without the intentionality then you become autopilot and it’s a repeat. Routine. All of a sudden a year has gone by and you’re wondering where the year went. Well, how intentional were you? I wasn’t. I was focused on work. Well, there you go. You were just too busy to do things.
Now here I am out of it all and I’m thinking “whhaaaat just happened?” hahaha.
Syd: Yes! That’s so good! I want to ask you something. I have a question, which is a two part question. I feel like you’ve already answered the first part which is, how have you fallen off track? I think that’s really clear that a new experience came up in your life and it took over. Maybe there is a deeper answer there that you want to get into, like how it all happened. But I really want to know the answer to the second question, which is, how are you wanting to support yourself going forward? What you’ve learned from your perception of why the inner work is important before, during and after a relationship, and taking what you’ve learned. What does that look like for you going forward?
Ang: I think it’s the importance of during the relationship is really what is sticking to me. Before I got into my working relationship, I was doing all the inner work, after my working relationship, I was doing the inner work. What happened in the middle of it when I lost myself? I wasn’t doing anything. So, it’s important to continue on with the inner work no matter what phase of life it is. Essentially it should always be during. It’s never a before or after, it’s during because it’s always ongoing.
Moving forward, where I am going to be applying this is getting back into my goddess days. It might not look the same as what it did before in the past, which was I had the whole Wednesday outlined for myself. It might look a bit different. I know we were talking earlier, somewhere between episode 110 and 114, and we were talking about routines. It’s about getting myself into a loose routine and adjusting it to things going on in my lifestyle, rather than choosing to make my routine a priority and then figuring out what I need to do in the meantime.
Syd: Ya I really like how you said that it was the “during” where you got lost and for you it’s about setting up some sort of routine. The way that I see a routine is really that accountability space. We don’t just create a routine because it’s what feels good. We create a routine because these things are not habits yet, it’s not an instinctual behaviour to just do these things. Creating it as a routine is what keeps it accountable as something that is important to you. So I love that.
Ang: You brought in accountability and I was like “ding ding ding”. It’s literally why I created that video that I’m going to upload as a bonus episode. I wanted to create the video for myself, but I also realized that I would like to share this video. So many times we just don’t or we don’t know how to keep ourselves accountable. The reason why I made this video was because I was at a place in my life, and I still kind of am, where I am confused. I don’t know where my next move is.
I cut ties energetically and physically with my job and the person I was seeing, but I needed something to hold me accountable. How I am holding myself accountable now, is I didn’t even tell you this Syd, I have a new Counselor. I have a new Counselor assigned to me for an entire year and I am so excited. The whole purpose of why I have this counselor is to hold me accountable. The video was the starting of my accountability journey. I wanted to preface that too because that was a real big reason as to why I made this video. Also in the video I talk more specifically about why I wanted the video to hold me accountable, for when you go and see it.
Syd: I think that’s really great in how you explained that having a new counselor and having it set up for the next year for you is part of your accountability. I think that’s huge for all of us to remember. The inner work is hard, it’s not easy. It can be simple, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. I think one of the main reasons why the inner work is so hard is because we are having to be very vulnerable with ourselves.
One of the things you said about your romantic relationship, I think I remember you saying this, is that you were avoiding it. You were denying those inner knowings, that inkling, that feeling that something is off. Often I think when we feel that something is off, but we can’t exactly pinpoint what it is, a huge reason why we avoid it or deny it, like you said we’ve been built in a society that is very masculine dominated. Not man versus woman, I mean masculine the energy, which is the hustle. “I have to do, I have to take action”. You said we live to work right, and that’s kind of the social construct that we carry. In this we fear being vulnerable and we fear trusting our intuition, when there is no logic to back it up.
Masculine energy is very much based on logic and “this is the reasoning as to why I am making this decision”. So when our intuition, or the gut knowing is saying “ugh something is off” but we can’t explain why something is off, we’ve been bred to not trust it. We say to ourselves “oh well I don't have a reason” or “I can’t explain it, so I’m just going to ignore it and keep moving forward”. Having an accountability partner, whether that’s a counselor, a best friend, a family member, some sort of community, a mentor, or whatever, I think it’s really helpful for us because it creates a safe space for us to be vulnerable. It helps us work through what we are feeling and understanding why we are feeling what we are feeling.
Ang: Oh absolutely. One thing you said earlier, which really hit home because I saw something similar to this not too long ago, it’s this idea of when you know your gut is trying to tell you something or your gut feels off. For women, we are most likely to ignore that feeling, almost because we need factual proof as to why we need to ignore it.
Hear me out, because when someone brought this up I thought “that’s so true”. You know when there is a man in the middle of a business deal, he is doing all of his things, when he all of a sudden decides not to go through with the deal. The other guy asks him why he decided to not go through with it and he replies with “I don’t know, something felt off”. You know how the other man responds, he says “you know what, good for you, that’s awesome. You listen to yourself and do all the right things”. Meanwhile when you ask a woman why you are no longer in the relationship anymore and you respond that it didn’t feel right, the woman says, “well, what did he do, what was wrong”. We, as women, need concrete proof as to why things aren’t the way that they once were, but for guys it’s okay for them to use their intuition. Whaaat???
Syd: This hits home for me because I was writing a blog late last night. It's a full moon when we are recording this and the full moon always heightens and amplifies energy. So, I wrote the blog, I was excited to write it, but afterwards I was doubting myself. I was lying in bed feeling like something was off, and I had to work through it so I didn’t fall asleep doubting myself and carrying insecurities.
The reason why I am bringing this up is because the blog is about the wounded feminine energy. What you just said literally explains one of the signs that you have wounded feminine energy. The reason why as women we tend to ignore our gut feeling is because we have self esteem issues. We don’t trust ourselves. We are insecure. We don’t trust ourselves in our ability to make decisions. There are many different reasons as to why we have self esteem issues. For a man who trusts his intuition and his gut it’s because he is confident in himself. He is confident in the way that he feels. He might not even say that it’s his intuition. A lot of people will say this is woo-woo, but I am the Spiritual Mentor and I am the one that believes in intuition. I teach my clients how to trust their intuition and how to know what their intuition is saying.
Oh my gosh! I just needed to hear that. Thank you Angie for saying that because that’s a sign from the Universe. I pulled a card for myself this morning and it said the signs will show up in different ways for you.
Ang: There you go! Through conversation! As simple as that.
Syd: Exactly! That is why having these types of connected conversations is so empowering. I have a group program that I am running right now. It happened in the group call the other night where one person said “this is what I am being called to say” and it triggered the other people. Not in a bad way. It triggers your soul wisdom. It awakens this knowing within you. So having these types of conversations is so empowering because it allows us to see things from a new perspective and it helps us to connect dots in our own lives.
So, I want to ask you. I have two questions and I can’t decide which one to ask you. So I am going to put both questions to you and you can decide which one you want to answer. If you want to answer both, then great. The first question is, why do you think inner work is important? The second question is, how has this topic, your perception of inner work, how has this changed your life?
Ang: Wow! Dang you are going to make it hard eh?
Syd: I know that’s why I said I can’t choose.
Ang: Okay. I am going to answer both of them because one of the answers is short. How it’s changed my life, I am going to say, go and see the video.
Syd: Teaser.
Ang: Ya, little/big teaser. I’m sure you’ve heard me say this before and how it’s changed my life, but I’m going to leave this here. The expression, everything happens for a reason. That right there is how it has changed my life. That saying alone. Check out the video because that is how it’s changed my life.
Syd: Before you jump into the second question I want to confirm. Is that going to be on YouTube or is it going to be available on Spotify as a bonus episode?
Ang: Oh ya, thanks for clarifying. It’s only going to be on YouTube for now. It might be on Spotify, but I doubt it. Ya it’s going to be on YouTube.
Syd: Check out the link in the description for our YouTube channel.
Ang: Yes! I love it! Just throwing that in there.
Syd: Just so people know where to find it.
Ang: No, you are so right.
Syd: I’m excited to watch it. I have not watched the video yet, so I’m excited to watch it and learn how this experience has changed your life.
Ang: Yay! Ya, it’ll really tie things in beautifully, Syd, with everything we have talked about and all that we have not talked about yet. You are going to sit there and think, “this makes so much sense why we had that conversation today”.
Before we sign off today, I want to answer your question as to why the inner work is important. First of all, the whole reason for this conversation today is my perception as to why the inner work is important before, during and after a relationship. If you do not know the inner work, again I will talk a lot about this in the video. If you don’t do it, you are going to lose intentionality, you will lose purpose and you are going to lose “it”. Whatever “it” is for you. You are going to lose “it”. The only way to stay connected to “it” and yourself is if you do the inner work. So if you are looking for passion, for purpose, you are looking for determination, drive, motivation, stop looking for it because it is inside of you. Literally, the answers are within and without doing the inner work you are more easily persuaded into autopilot. You will wake up wondering where the year went. If you want more intentionality, start focusing on you, and you are just asking yourself questions. That’s why it’s important because without it you are going to be living a vanilla, boring life. I don’t know about you Syd, but I’m not here for it.
Syd: I got full body chills. The way you answered that question is on point. There is nothing left for me to say. That is it. Do the inner work for that exact reason.
Thank you so much Angie, for sharing this experience and what you’ve moved through. I think it’s a reminder for all of us that we are going to have low moments because that’s what encourages us to climb the mountain again. It’s what encourages us to keep moving forward. It’s what makes the highs feel so much better. When we’ve lost track or lost our way, we feel let down whether it’s from ourselves or by someone else. It’s a reminder that we are not trying to create a life to just have the highs, we learn from the low moments. Thank you. Thank you for sharing that. I’m really excited to see how this lesson carries you forward.
Ang: Yes. Thank you so much! I know you said it earlier Syd, but reminding everyone else to watch the YouTube video. It is so good! I went very in depth about everything happens for a reason, in terms of the inner work, in terms of purpose. If you are feeling lost, confused or uncertain and you need to see someone else in that position, go see that video. I know it’s going to help someone in some sort of way and I think it will further our conversation. If you are wanting to have one of these connected conversations in your own life, use my self video of how I spoke to myself, or use the conversation that Syd and I have had with each other. It really does open a lot of perceptions and understanding of life in itself because life is confusing. I really wish there was a manual on that, so I think I’m just going to create my own.
Syd: I think that’s a really great reminder for us and to go watch the video because when we listen to someone else speaking it can awaken our own ah-ha moments. It can help us connect dots in our own lives, and it can open our perspectives. Go watch the video, it’s going to be uploaded and if it’s not already then it will be shortly on our YouTube channel.
As we sign off for today's conversation, I want to thank everyone for listening and for being here. I want to thank the listeners who’ve continued to listen to the podcast even when we weren’t uploading new episodes. You are the reason why we’ve come back even stronger than before. Obviously we love to have these conversations just the two of us, and learn more about each other to learn more about life. Creating it in podcast form is because we want to share it with others. Knowing that people have been listening and have been waiting for new episodes…
Ang: Yes waiting is key.
Syd: That encouraged us to get our butts moving along here. If you're new, subscribe. Check us out on YouTube. Follow us on Instagram, Angie runs our instagram. You can also check out, if you want to tap into our energy even more, you want to learn more about what Angie does or what I do, all the links are in the description below.
As we leave you on this episode, and we thank you for listening. We want to give you a little teaser that next week’s episode is going to be a check in with me, Sydney. I am going to be talking all about embodying my higher self and how it takes patience and slowing down.
Ang: Damn. I’m excited for this one.
Syd: That’s what we’ve got coming to you. Thank you everyone for listening, give the podcast a rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts. Thank you so much for being here and thank you so much Angie for sharing.
We will love you and leave you. Bye everyone.
Ang: Bye.