Responsibility versus Freedom | Soul Healing Journey Entry 5
I’m interested to witness how things play out in my life.
I’m in a whole new position right now. I’ve been in a space similar to this before. Before the pain. Before the fear. Before self doubt was all I could feel.
For a while I’ve felt the weight of responsibility. The feeling that if I didn’t make things happen then they would never happen. But, I didn’t always know which step to take, which decision to make, and which direction to go. How could I ever make things happen if I didn’t know how to make them happen? This inability to trust myself made my responsibility too heavy to bear all on my own. So much fear took over. Fear that I would be a failure. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to break out of this feeling of lack. Fear I’d never experience true love. Fear that I wasn’t enough. Fear in what I didn’t know. All of this fear was directed towards the future because my feeling of responsibility was a burden I didn’t want to carry.
It’s an interesting thing to be in a completely different position today from where I found myself only 5 months ago. My how things can change.
This concept of ‘responsibility’ was rooted in so much pain, a feeling of being inadequate, and fear of the unknown. I carried these wounds because they were passed onto me from my parents, who carried their wounds because it was passed onto them from their parents and so on. Worry. Doubt. Fear. Pain. The pattern of feeling insecure. The belief that your life was unstable. The sense of control that took over in order to make the world around you a secure and stable place. When all along you had no control at all, and you were taking on a responsibility that wasn’t yours to carry.
I love this new feeling I carry. This version of me that I am choosing to embody on a daily basis. This is who I came here to be.
I’m different now.
I feel different.
I’m not running in fear towards a future that carries the unknown.
I’m walking with purpose knowing I am safe to be who I am in this moment.
Where did the fear go?
Well, I rewrote the story.
I created a new pattern that serves me.
Rather than fearing the unknown I taught myself to see how freeing it feels when I carry faith in the unknown. For life gets to be an adventure, and I know how fun, exciting, and empowering adventures are.
The sense of responsibility that was passed down to me from all the generations who came before me was rooted in trying to control your environment. This pattern was rooted in the belief that security and stability come from your external environment. Well, what happens when things change? Because as we all know, change is inevitable. Change is the only constant in this world.
The generations before me experienced so much pain from these changes. Loss of money. Loss of love. Loss of purpose. Loss of lives. This pain became so rooted in their identities that it controlled how they lived. The pattern of responsibility became rooted in their pain, rooted in the fear of the unknown, rooted in painful changes. What if I could learn from this pain? What if I could heal this pain? What if I could remember that faith gets to outweigh fear?
If responsibility is rooted in controlling the external environment I live in, I could feel secure and stable for a moment, until the energy shifts and a challenge flows onto my path. Then what? Fear, worry, and doubt become triggered and I start running towards the future, not wanting to feel the pain from this moment. Running to some future moment, even though I fear the unknown.
This never ending cycle is no way to live.
I want freedom to be my life, not fear.
I create stability and security through my relationship with myself. My relationship with the Universe. I see life as a journey, an experience, a dance. Every moment is an opportunity to learn, heal and grow. There is no space to coast on autopilot.
Every single day I awake to the sun shining is a day I get to consciously choose how I want to live. Every shift in my environment is an opportunity to check in with my emotions, my energy, my intuition, and my spirit.
It’s these moments where I determine how I want to move forward. Not because I feel pressured to run to some moment in the future in order to feel better. Instead to honour how I feel right now and through these feelings I get to choose what’s the best direction for me to move in this moment.
Purpose. Not pressure. Freedom. Not fear. Faith. Not pain.
I can be responsible and live with purpose.
I can be responsible and feel free.
I can be responsible and let faith guide me.
Stability and security are an inside job. Same as peace, it’s an inside job.
Purpose comes from my heart and soul.
I feel stable because I love myself no matter what. I feel secure because I trust in my abilities.
I get to be responsible and live freely. I get to take care of myself as I adventure through life.
“Being responsible isn’t about ensuring you’ll have a future by trying to control everything.
Being responsible is about choosing to take care of myself to the best of my ability in this moment. Part of being responsible for my soul path is allowing myself to live freely.
Responsibility and freedom coexist in my life.”
My future isn’t guaranteed.
I needed to let go of the unsupportive pattern where responsibility triggered fear of the unknown and having a lack of control over my future. Not a single one of us can control our futures. You only have conscious choice in this moment. Responsibility is about learning to trust yourself to make the best decision for you as circumstances change and shift.
I’m not saying, f*ck the future. I’m saying, let’s prioritize the present.
I feel different because I’m living for the now. I am making responsible decisions that are rooted in feeling free to live and experience my life. I’m not worried about what I have control over. I’m not fearful of the unknown. I’m not doubting my ability to follow my soul path.
I am calmly walking forward in each moment, paying attention to my emotions and energy, and making conscious choices based on how my inner spirit is leading me. I trust that as I gather more information I can change my mind and make different choices. I trust that whatever comes along my path I will be able to overcome it and find the right solution for me.
I am living.
I am trusting.
I am creating.
I have power in this moment. I cannot control the future. So instead, I take action now that leads from purpose. I have faith in the future. I feel free as I dance my way through life. My hope far outweighs any amount of fear.
This is me, flowing with a sense of freedom while responsibly taking care of myself.
Until next time, sending love & light on your spiritual journey,
Sydney Smith
Founder of Adventuring with Poseidon Wellness
